Thanksgiving Family Political Conflict Advice 2025

We wish you a beautiful time with your loved ones - BCB #173

Politics make family difficult for a lot of Americans. A recent poll estimates that one in five of us is estranged from a family member because of political disagreements.

If you’re one of these people, know that the situation is probably not impossible. Every year, we search for the best resources so you don’t have to.

The Basics

I recently ran across Carrie Graham’s Thanksgiving 2020 guide and sure, this was written after the previous election but the basics don’t change. And it’s by someone who has a ton of experience coaching people through this, foundational stuff like this:

1. Gauge Your Readiness. Gauge Others’ Readiness.

Remember nobody has to talk about anything you/they are not yet ready to talk about. Both parties need to feel emotionally prepared to attempt a difficult conversation. It’s a “mutual consent” situation.

…

2. Respect the reality of paradigmatic differences.

Be aware of how strongly we each hold on to our narratives, and that others are living according to a different script than the one in your head. None of us are exceptions to this. Oftentimes, we think if the other party just had x information, or understood more facts we have read, they would either change their minds and agree with us OR we could then officially write them off as crazy. It is almost never either of those.

…

3. Beware of monoliths.

Our political system often divides us into two political identities. We do not have to live that way or treat each other as such.

etc. Here’s another pretty good short general guide.

Maybe just not talk about it?

A “no politics” rule is a tried and tested boundary, if it’s made explicit.

It’s also useful to have tactics for sidestepping barbed comments. And this one’s got a strange name, the Associated Press reports:

When gray rocking, you’re purposely making yourself uninteresting by politely offering short, non-committal responses rather than getting sucked into a high-drama exchange. The idea is to deprive the other person of the attention or reaction they want, prompting them to move on.

… when gray rocking, you’d sidestep conflict with a bland response, like, “Interesting opinion. How’s work?”

Useful, but don’t over-rely on it or people will get angry, and anyway it’s no way to have a sustainable relationship.

Practice not being a dick

If you do talk about politics, you’re probably going to have feelings that will make you want to say something unproductive. Usually this happens when we are feeling hurt or an important value is threatened. Expect this feeling. Prepare for it to come. And listen for that little voice telling you not to say the thing.

If you find you have said something hurtful anyway, apologize and reword to say the best and kindest version of what you needed to say. Also consider learning something and changing your mind. Model the behavior you expect from both of you.

People who are actually good at this are rare and beloved. It’s not a vow but a practice, and it takes practice. Ask me how I know.

Getting help with a difficult relationship

There are more or less two options.

First, you can learn better conflict and dialogue and relational skills on your own. I see you’re a BCB reader, that’s a great start. But you could also get coaching, or even better learn by practicing dialogue with other people. Braver Angels can set you up, among other organizations.

Second, you can seek professional family coaching or therapy together, if your family member will agree. Some therapists specialize in political differences within families.

Thread of the Week

Read the thread

However you go about it, here’s to enjoying togetherness this season!